Gifts of the heart

I recently read a book “Carve the Mark” by Veronica Roth.

I was touched by this one particular character who had a gift to put people at ease but unfortunately because of it she was unable to express any emotions that would make people uncomfortable. Which meant when she felt pain or any heartbreak she couldn’t express it.

What touched me the most about her was the fact that her gift looked good on the outside. What she could do for people was very heartwarming. She gave herself to people, if they felt sad she could cheer them up so they could feel better. If people around her were agitated she would calm them down to avoid any fights breaking out. Amazing right???

Not really, because what she has to bear to share this gift with people isn’t amazing. As she is unable to make people uncomfortable, she has to bottle up any emotions that would result in such a situation. So she endures the pain and heartbreak silently so she can be able to give out the good to others.

I was so touched by this girl’s situation because I know how that feels. I would describe myself as someone kind, I find joy in bringing smiles to people’s faces. I love bringing happiness. There’s just this peace found in giving my heart for good.

But the terrible part is that as I share myself, most times no thought is placed on how giving myself will affect me negatively. Because I can give myself to the point that it becomes detrimental to my well-being. Sometimes I’m even repayed evil for good by others. Other times I’m even used by people (even had someone admitting to that).

But unfortunately just as that girl, all I can do is take it in. The goodness of my heart does not allow me to be evil to others, it does not allow me to hurt those that have hurt me. I can never repay evil with evil, all I can do is smile and give more of my goodness.Which is painful. I must say it is very heartbreaking, because I endure a lot. The worst part is that all I can do is smile and take it all in. It’s like my heart has a machine running whereby it takes in the bad and exchanges it for some good and all it can output is kindness, no matter what.

I’m so much a giver to the point that all I do is give and I receive nothing in return. This sounds amazing until you realise that I myself need some goodness in my life to keep on going. I also want to receive some kindness. I need others to care for me more than I care about myself because my heart won’t allow me to be selfish like that.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could say I can keep on going. I wish I could say I could continue to give selflessly. But I’m coming to the point where I’m running out of “self” to give. I’m deteriorating slowly to the point that I’m worried that I’m heading for destruction. I’m heading to the point where all the that I take in is destroying me. I don’t want it to kill me. Because the more I give out my good, the less good I have to sustain me. All I’ll have remaining is the bad and that will just kill me inside-out.

But that would be so funny though, killed by her own kindness.

I think i just found a new meaning to the phrase: Kill them with kindness.

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