Imagine wanting something so much, only to find out that it’s one of your biggest fears.
So basically you won’t get it unless you overcome that fear. Which is scarier than the fear itself.
So I think I have an Intimacy Anxiety Disorder. I fear intimacy so much to the point that I am unable to be in a relationship. The moment I realise that things are getting deep, I somehow -unknowingly – sabotage everything. Just so that I can avoid being intimate.
My disorder is so bad to the point that when a guy asks me out on a date and I really wanna go, I start panicking. Instead of ‘what if it doesn’t work out’ , i fuss over “what if it does work out “. That’s my fear in a relationship, the fact that it just might work out. Just thinking of myself on a date makes me panic. I get so anxious that I’m even unable to breathe.
Unfortunately I’ve only realised this recently- today actually- so this fear has become deeply webbed in me at this point in my life.
Trying to find a source for this fear and why things came to be like this opens up a big can of stubborn worms. The roots go way back into my childhood. To the person that I really really wanted intimacy from the most but couldn’t get – my mother. And viola my fears, phobias and disorders were born.
My mother was not affectionate nor intimate with me. I thought it was because I was too needy and well as a busy adult, she didn’t have time for such. I remember when she once pushed me away for always being sick, and told me and my plastic body to learn how to take care of myself as she has other children to take care of. I’m the 1st born of 9 children, so you would guess right that this darling over here has abondanment issues from parents who were present but not so present.
There was even a point in my life when I couldn’t refer to myself personally because somehow I couldn’t see myself as a person. I would always refer to myself in the third person -even in my head- this I only got to realise was the case when I couldn’t pick essay topics that needed me to write in the first person, I always avoided those.
As my mother wasn’t affectionate, you would guess right that she wouldn’t touch me as well. And my fear of being touched developed. Well this fear I’ve been working on it, I’m proud to say that I’ve made some progress. I feared most touches that showed intimacy in anyway, hugs especially from friends (now I’m only afraid of hugging strangers). Well my family didn’t hug so that was never a problem. Even people sitting or standing so close to me at touching distance. If any part of my body touches yours, it’s over for me. My brain lags and all I can think about it you are touching me. Even worse if you intentionally touch me such as my arm or my hand, all I would want to do is just draw into myself and hide.
My mother and I were not close. She always reminded me of how horrible and useless I was, of how much my sister was gonna be better than me. I’m still unsure if I fear intimacy because I think I don’t deserve it or because I feel im not good enough, since she broke my self esteem. But one thing I know is that all my disorders and fears developed as defence mechanisms for survival.
How I’m gonna overcome this?? I don’t know.
To make matters worse the person I would love the most to have an intimate relationship with is God. And He’s the only person who can help me overcome this. But unfortunately I have an intimacy anxiety disorder, meaning I can’t even connect with the person who is very able to help me overcome this.
You know when you are facing your doom and it’s staring right back at you with a “whatcha gonna do about it?? ” expression. I don’t know what’s scarier the fear itself or that fact that I need to overcome it.
I need a lot of strength and willpower the be able to stand firm and overcome this. I desperately need God’s intervention ASAP.
And unfortunately I would love to get married soon, but the biggest thing standing in my way is myself and my fear of intimacy.