It’s pretty crazy how my emotions can haphazardly move from a scale of happiness at one moment, to motivated another moment and depressed soon after. It’s quite crazy and pretty hilarious to keep up with. It’s like I’m constantly keeping myself on my toes. As much as it’s a very extreme rollercoaster ride, it can be draining as well.
Basically I just range from a state of full blown positivity and all like: ‘I’ve got this. I’m not gonna give up and I’m ready to take over the world.’ Then the next day I’m sobbing and all like: ‘Lord, today I ask for strength to go on. Honestly I don’t know where I am going or what I am doing. All I know is that I trust you, Lord. I trust that you know it all. So I trust you Lord. I pray for strength. Strength to fight. Strength to continue to pursue my dreams. Strength not to lose hope. Strength to go on. I need you Lord. I need you my God. For in you, I trust.’ Then the day after I’m all at peace and thanking God for peace of mind, and hope and showing gratitude at how He’s walking this journey with me – a pillar to lean on.
It’s pretty hectic to keep up with. And I must confess that I have no idea how these drastic leaps occur. I cannot explain them and sometimes I even feel like this should not be normal at all.
However one thing that I always keep in mind throughout all this madness is what one dear friend once said to me. She spoke the following words to me: ” You are totally normal… because you wear your ‘scars’ in a remarkable way, you embrace things that other people hide… Allow yourself to go through every emotion, feel it and move from it, that’s part of healing, trying to stop it from happening only makes things worse. If you feel bad, feel it, but time yourself, then snap out of it and remind yourself of how great you are, irrespective of your environment or situation… protect your space, build walls around your sanity and peace of mind, have gates, security guards, monitor what goes in and what you won’t give a fuck about…and lastly pray, pray and pray and pray and remember… You are what the Bible (God) says you are, you can do what it says you can do and you have what it says you have, all you need to do is embrace all that.”
She said all of this to me after a conversation we had whereby I confessed how I was struggling with my emotions. And how guilty I felt of that struggle because I’m supposed to be recovering, I’m supposed to feel better. How can I be continuing to struggle with some episodes of depression when I am supposed to be survivor of it?? How am I still a victim of it after such a long time of recovering?? What was tearing me apart the most at that moment was how I will be okay one moment until so and so does something that just throws me off and I’ll feel like I’m starting all over again. I guess I was angry at myself at how I kept on dropping the ball. At how small inconsequential things – that wouldn’t bother other people – were triggers for me that would start a whole landslide going. Why I was allowing them to influence me so much. Why I was allowing them to affect my recovery so much.
I guess sometimes I can be too hard on myself and not actually give myself credit over my progress. But thank goodness for genuine dear friends that always have your back and are ready to catch you whenever you fall and even pull you up when you need a hand. They are very vital in such a journey. Thank God for them.
” It’s all about influence. The right influence. Have the right people in your environment. The right environment to influence your growth.”