Dear Mother

Sadly I am not supposed to be writing letters to you. That is not how a relationship between a mother and child should be like. But I guess it is what it is.
Even more sadly, you’ll probablyly never get to read this but I still have to write it anyway.

So I wanna talk about myself and my relationship with you. How it is just messed up. It should not be so. I hate that it is so. I hate how we are not close, how I am not comfortable speaking to you and cannot even open up to you.

Growing up I hated you for many reasons. Appalling right?? The fact that I hated you as my mother?? It’s not sensible right?? How can a child hate their own mother?? How can a child hate the person who gave birth to her and raised her with love?? How can that be?? Why??

“Why??”, What a question?? A question I’ve asked myself over and over and over again.

It turns out that I hated myself too, hence why I could easily give out so much hate towards you. Even though all this hate was in silence.

“Silence!!”, What a horrific way to suffer?? I suffered in silence because I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t voice out what was happening. Sadly enough, there was no one to voice this out to. Someone who could have helped with understanding to fix this problem.

Luckily I’ve finally found my voice. I did some introspection and had the courage to speak out. Although I still wonder if speaking out was a good thing. It felt like a good idea at the time. Something I had to let out, it seemed necessary at that moment.

Today though, I wonder if I should regret it, because as much as it helped me – it seems to have bridged the gap between me and you even more.

“You may find the worst enemy or best friend in yourself.”

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